The A-Z of Classic Who | Dragonfire: You're Tearing Me Apart, Mel!

We meet again, Season 24. Unfortunately.

Even when watching by far it's most enjoyable story, it's still a painful, moronic slog that never doesn't feel like the writers were either completely bored with even thinking about Doctor Who, or they were just high. Either way, it's terrible, and no amount of hilariously bad shit like Dragonfire is going to change that.

I say all of that despite the fact that Dragonfire is my pick for the most enjoyably bad piece of Doctor Who ever put out. It's the Doctor Who version of The Room (hence the title of this post), which is no small feat for  a story, and I endeavour to explain why Dragonfire lives up to this momentous title.  

*context*

Dragonfire is in many ways perfectly representative of the stereotypical view most non-fans and a large number of 'fans' think Classic Who is: bizarre, nonsensical plotlines with stupid over the top villains, annoying screaming companions and crap special effects. Being the meticulous analyst I am, I'll look at all of these things individually.

The plot makes absolutely no sense at all. The big bad guy Kane wants some MacGuffin so he can rule the cosmos or something, and also he can only survive when it's very cold and he can kill people with his touch because he's so cold. He's hired a bunch of mercenaries who had a choice to join or maybe didn't and some of them have been cryo-frozen for some reason and also they're all hanging out on this one tiny space outpost. The MacGuffin is, naturally, on the same outpost, only hidden inside the titular dragon, which Kane can't go near because it breathes fire and obviously fire + needs to be cold = death. Also, Glitz from Trial of a Timelord is here, because why not, and he has a treasure map that leads to the MacGuffin and also something about starcharts and eventually Kane gets blown up Indiana Jones-style.

"Don't look Marion!"

If you're still following that, then congratulations, because better men that you or I gave up a long time ago. It's so baffling in it's awfulness though, I simply can't get mad at it like I would at something like Attack of the Cybermen - it's so batshit insane it's just difficult not to strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.

Of course, a batshit plot alone can't do much (just ask Steven Moffat), and there is one major element of the story that brings it all together.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very cold....... in spaaaaacce"

Yes, that's Kane. Delightfully overacted by Edward Peel, Kane is the stereotypical over-the-top Doctor Who villain and by God is he glorious. Not only is he hilarious, he can also be quite menacing sometimes - the combination is absolutely perfect, to the point where's a villain we can't take seriously at all, but there's always the inkling that maybe, just maybe, this guy is the real deal. 

A genuinely good part of this story are his interactions with Belazs, a mercenary of his who wants out. Her character arc works rather well - she hopes to leave and is clearly distraught when Kane tells her to do one. Her reluctant conspiring against him is well crafted both in the script and on the screen, which eventually ends with her getting frozen to death in a scene that's genuinely quite chilling (no pun intended). These are the scenes where Kane feels genuinely threatening, and it's a glimmer of what this story could have been - of course, it's forgotten the minute Kane goes back to worshipping a deformed ice statue of his dead girlfriend. Which is amazing in it's own way of course, but there is a definitely sense of lost opportunity with much of this story.

Sabalom Glitz from The Trial of a Timelord is back, and while Tony Selby puts in a good performance, it's so clear that he doesn't need to be in this story - he's basically here to be a walking punchline. To be fair he does provide comedy - in that every attempt at comedy fails so spectacularly it comes back around and becomes funny in its failure.

"Three ice mercenaries walk into a bar..."
"We've heard that one before Mr Glitz"

This is, of course, the introductory story for Ace, who has gone on to become one of the Doctor's most loved companions, but this is a distinctly unimpressive opening story for her. Her pro-activeness is welcome after three stories of Mel doing precisely nothing of note, but Aldred hasn't quite settled into park she would play in the future so well, and aside from one or two interesting character scenes, she feels rather superflous to the plot. But then again, she isn't Mel, which is always a bonus.

Live feed of Ace and Mel's reaction to Series 11

What makes this story so hilarious to watch though is all the bafflingly bizarre scenes that litter the story. The little girl in the blue dress who just appears in random scenes, never interacting with the main characters, for instance - it's never explained who she is, every time she comes on screen it's detracting from the actual plot, and her actions are really weird and it almost feels like she might end up being the main villain behind it all. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and the story is better because of it.

I have absolutely no idea why this happened.

The best scene in this style though, is possibly my favourite scene in the show's history. The set-up is very simple - Glitz needs to get onto his ship, so the Doctor has to distract the guard. Seems fairly simple, right? Well, the Doctor decides to go up to the guard and start having a philosophical discussion with him. Not only does this actually work and not only does the guard start becoming far more interested in the philosophy than the Doctor does, less than a minute later the Doctor appears on the ship with Glitz, with absolutely no explanation as to how he got past the same guard he was discussing the nature of reality with. I have difficulty watching it all the way through, because I break down into laughter pretty much instantly. It is glorious.

Professor Wilkins of the Philosophy Department at the University of Oxford had decided to take
a second job during the holidays.

Oh, and of course, the famous cliffhanger, where the Doctor, for no apparent reason, decides to jump over a ledge hanging only from his umbrella, and suddenly regrets the decision. There is never an explanation as to why he does this. I should be enraged at this absolutely pathetic attempt to put in a cliffhanger where one didn't naturally fit, and yet it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Still better than a Moffat cliffhanger, amirite?

I haven't even mentioned the special effects yet, which are uniformly terrible. You can see the dragon in one of the pictures above - not only does it look absolutely nothing like an actual dragon, it's about as threatening as the girl's teddy bear. To be fair, they do try and shoot it to make it as menacing as possible when it needs to be, which reinforces my view of this story that so many people were trying to make this work. The writer was putting compelling character ideas into a potentially interesting story, the director was trying to put together an entertaining and tense piece, all the actors are giving their all, I really doubt the special effects guys could have done much better with the budget. Take the last scene, where Mel tells the Doctor she's leaving him. It's easily the unironic best scene in the story - the dialogue really works, McCoy and Langford are on top form and even the music tones down the eighties cheesiness to give a genuinely sombre atmosphere, and this is despite the reason for Mel leaving being utterly nonsensical. It's so obvious everyone is giving their all in this story - maybe that's why I find humour and enjoyment in it's complete failure rather than anger and dislike. 

So is Dragonfire the Doctor Who version of The Room? Probably not. After all, liking something for being bad is definitely a personal taste sort of thing. Some people love Love and Monsters for this exact reason - I can't fucking stand that episode, with Peter Kay's disastrous performance being the sole funny thing in an otherwise disastrous mess that should never have left the conception stage. Dragonfire is probably precisely that for many people, and I totally and completely understand if you feel that way. I enjoy it a lot though, and it's the only story in Doctor Who's worst season I'd ever watch voluntarily.

Final Score: 3/10. Amusing to watch on an ironic level, and it has one or two good moments, but it can't escape being a bizarre, disjointed mess that never feels like it was ever going to work.

Next Episode: Earthshock